Our primary job as an effective parent is to make sure our kids are able to function successfully on their own when they leave the house. Every decision we make should be made with that goal in mind. This knowledge and single-minded focus should help us to navigate the waters of parenting much easier, because we have a definite destination in mind.
What are these effective parenting skills? Well, if you have a child who is acting out and talking back, there is a good chance he has hit a problem he cannot solve. Then keeping your goal in mind, teach them how to solve the problem. With this teaching also comes accountability. Let them know what will they can expect from their actions. Of course, you cannot hit every scenario, but give them a general idea, both for good choices and bad ones.
1. Problem solving journey. The best way to approach this important life skill is to start at the earliest age possible. If they make the mess, they clean it up. Teach them one block at a time. Then face the next problem with that same mindset, one step at a time. This in itself is teaching them problem solving at the core level, from stepping back to form a plan of action through to completion. Let them try, and fail if necessary. Do not rescue!
2. Coach them forward. All good coaches know that they can get the best out of their players if they stick to business and not to emotion. This too is our goal as effective parents. Being patient as we encourage them through this learning process will pay off in spades for them as adults.
3. Do as I do, not as I say. What? Yep that is how it really works. Your actions and words of course need to match. But if they don’t, they are going to copy what you do. Calmly handling life’s curveballs as their little eyes observe is your best teaching technique. Also let them start fending for themselves as soon as possible. Pushing the elevator button may seem like kids play, and looking at the directory to find the floor you need first, empowers them with life skills.
4. Be wise on when and what you teach them. Use your parent’s gauge to determine what level of maturity they are at to determine what they can be successful at within a reasonable amount of time. Our goal is to teach them not defeat them. Let the bedspread be crooked and the crumbs be swept from the counter to the floor. Save perfecting these skills for the appropriate times down the road.
5. Take chances, get messy, make mistakes. As the terrible teens threatened to hit you head on, duck and start handing over the reins more often. And don’t forget to let them know how “awesome it is to watch the unique ways they chose to handle their problems”.
6. Recognize setbacks and failures as opportunities. Everyone experiences successes and failures. Kids can learn from both, probably more from the failures than from the successes. Also, keep the failures in perspective. Don’t freak out when they make a mistake – use it as a teaching opportunity.
Parenting is a daunting task, especially when it comes to teenagers. Hopefully, these tips will help you to have the most effective parenting skills possible.
Matt writes articles about parenting and child raising including articles about James Lehman and Total Transformation by James Lehman.
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